Happy anniversary
As I sit here on the deck of our condo at Lake Chelan, I am struck by how today was a microcosm of the last three weeks. My emotions have spanned the gamut of love, grief, happiness, contentment, aimlessness and purpose. While I feel like I have started to come out of the darkest shadow of my grief, there are still going to be days where the shade creeps in. My hope is that they are fewer and farther apart, but I also welcome them as a lasting testament to the impact that Obie has had on my life.
I have been drafting this blog in my head for the last few weeks and the title was going to be “Life is good”. I knew that our anniversary was on the horizon but in typical fashion, was not tracking the specific date that closely. I am that person who knows the date of your birthday if asked, but will probably forget it in real time. When I got the first text a week ago from a dear friend saying that she was thinking about me, it took me a moment to figure it out. That day was a bit melancholy but I choose to focus on the “happy”, because we were sure blessed with a whole lot of happy in our time together.
The start of our annual summer week in Chelan was another milestone that brought mixed emotions. This is a place that holds so many special memories for my family and friends, and it would never have been in our lives without Obie. I was joined by Tyler and his family and my brother’s family for the weekend. We have been carving annual traditions with my nieces and nephew over the last decade that we all hold dear. It was melancholy to not have Obie here with us but I know that he was here with us and smiling at all the fun we had. We also started to build memories with Cole and Eva. Eva took her first steps this weekend and we realized that she has no fear around the water, and is at her happiest when in the lake.
My brother’s family had to leave on Sunday to get back to commitments in Seattle. This morning Tyler, Emily and the kids headed home and I was left alone without the constant activity of swimming, games, playing with grandkids and of course, eating. There were a few hours where his absence cut like a knife. I resisted the urge to pack everything up and run home, instead sitting in that pain, remembering all of the amazing times we have had here. I had a work meeting that forced my brain onto a different topic. Then I grabbed my beach bag and floatie and spent a few hours in the lake. Sun and water will always be a reset for me and I now have a plan for the next few days before I head home. I have a good friend from high school who lives here that I hope to catch up with, I’ll get in a few runs, yoga, paddleboard and as much sun and lake time as my skin can tolerate. I’ll also have plenty of time to watch the Tour de France Femmes.
As I have settled into my new routine, I realized that this is the first time in my life when I have lived alone. I went from my parents house to college, then roommates and the boyfriend/first husband, then kids, and repeat on the husbands. So at the age of 57, I find myself alone and I am ok with it. In fact, I kind of like it and can’t really imagine sharing my space on a full time basis again. In case you are imagining me sitting at home like a hermit (do you know me?), I’m actually getting out and about and seeing more people than we ever did as a couple. I am feeling really good physically, mentally and spiritually and am excited for the future.
Physically: After so many years of fighting with my body and just knowing that something was off, I finally found a doctor who has spent the time to figure out what was going on. With his help and support, I’ve made huge strides in not only getting my body composition headed in the right direction, but I feel 10 years younger. I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for a month and it has been such a dramatic shift. I know that people have a lot of opinions on HRT but I did my research and trust my doctor, the results speak for themselves. I am starting week 4 of a couch to 5k running plan and haven’t felt this good running in a decade. My body is responding well to 3 runs a week, 2 orangetheory classes, a hot yoga session and a long mountain hike. I just wish I had found this doctor sooner but everything happens at the time in which is intended and there’s no room in my life for regrets at this point. It feels good to be an athlete again, albeit a very slow one but we’re headed in the right direction!
Mentally: this can also be a byproduct of the HRT, but I feel more alert than I have recently. All of my mental bandwidth for the past few months have been focused on all the details for the celebration events. With that past, I am able to shift my view to the next few months with both calm and focus. I have 8 trips over the next two months while also wrapping up my time at PNNL. Before I know it, I’ll be soaking up the sun in Arizona this October.
Spiritually: I feel as though in the new stillness, I am more connected to Obie. I can feel his presence in more ways. I know that he will always be there for me with his love and support. A friend shared that she had a dream about Obie, and that he told her that he loved me and is watching over me (while eating donuts). Thanks babe.
The tears are falling as I sit here listening to his playlist and looking out across the lake. While there is sadness in the tears, there is also an appreciation for what we had together. I am going to be OK, I will always miss him but life will be good in so many ways. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me!