Just breathe
Just like that, we’re in the middle of June, a month full of milestones continues to roll on. This last week was the first big camping trip which was a test run for what RV life in Arizona will be like. I hired a guy out of Spokane to haul the RV to the campsite in Trout Lake, WA which is just south of Mt. Adams. Over the last 4 years, this has become our favorite campground, it’s a magical place that we both loved. Obie would spend every morning sitting outside with his coffee, looking at the mountain.
On this trip, I was able to join my friend Deb, her husband Charles, my friend Tim (Cindy’s husband) and his girlfriend Lana. In years past, we would always have the central camp site and Obie had quite the outdoor set up. Between the outdoor kitchen with flatop, bbq, stove top, fridge and tables, to the shade tent, the tablecloths and bench pads. And then there were the many different chairs for everyone to sit in. He loved to have people filter through the camp, sit down for a cold one and chat, basically holding court. I was usually running around doing something or riding my bike, being the planet that orbited around his gravitational pull but always landing back where I belonged, next to him.
It was a nice adjustment on this trip to step back and let others take the lead. I was in a different site, off to one side and was really focused on learning everything that I needed to about my fifth wheel. In fact, the only thing I got out from the outside storage was a dog bed for Penny and Chewie. I was able to build my confidence with the rig though, I was the first to arrive and had all of the power, water and sewer connected before anyone else got there. I gave myself a little high five when I was able to figure it all out on my own. Tim did a quick QA when he arrived and gave it a thumbs up. He also gave some pointers when I unhooked the rig. So while I have no desire to ever tow the trailer, I know that once it gets to the destination, I can be self sufficient. But it’s also nice to have friends who are there if I ever need help. When we go back in August for two weeks, I want to go through everything that he had for the outside and see what I’m really going to need going forward. This trailer is very heavy and I think I can do some lightening.
It was a nice change to travel separately in my car with the dogs, I was able to make stops that we wouldn’t have otherwise while pulling the trailer. I highly recommend the White Salmon Bakery for anyone travelling in the gorge! I bought car dog beds for the dogs and they travelled great. It was no where near as long as the trip to Arizona will be, but it gave me a taste for how often I’ll need to stop for them. It will quite the journey, but I know we’ll make it (literally and figuratively).
Obie was both profoundly absent while also being noticeably present. The first few days of the trip I felt very heavy without him there, it was like another level of grief had been unlocked. I suspect this was compounded by me overdoing it and not sleeping well the first few nights. But the signs of his presence were just too strong to ignore. The most significant was the mountain itself, I finally asked everyone else if they also felt like Obie was the mountain. It was so constant this trip, never being concealed behind clouds, always standing guard over our camp with it’s magnetic pull. At sunset, the entire mountain would just glow. One night as the sun was setting, we piled into Tim’s Jeep intent on seeing Obie’s strawberry moon. Because Trout Lake sits within a valley, we weren’t sure if we would be able to see it. Just as we had given up and started to head back to camp, Tim looked over his shoulder and slammed on the brakes. The moon had risen over the hillside and it was the most brilliant orange. In pictures, it looks like the sun shining down on us.
Another sign was the frequency in which the song “Just Breathe” by Pearl Jam popped up through my Spotify. When I am inside my trailer, I typically have music playing. Sometimes it is my liked songs, sometimes it is Obie’s playlist, other times I just pick a mix that Spotify recommends. At least 4 times a day, this song would come on. If you have never heard it before, I highly recommend watching the Willie and Lukas Nelson video where they cover the song. While Obie didn’t include this on his playlist, it will definately be on my playlist (at some point in the distant future when I put it together). The last two lines of the song are “love you till I die, meet you on the other side” and I can’t hear that without starting to cry. But as the song kept popping up, it started to make me laugh. So as the days went on, the heaviness lifted and instead I could better feel his presence as it surrounded all of us. I had brought some of his ashes and spread them in the meadow behind our campsite, in an alpine lake, at the top of an impressive waterfall and in a series of moss covered pools that spill into one another. These are all of the places that filled us with the awe of nature and I know that he is happy to be there in perpetuity.
On the last night, Tim asked me “so, do you think you can live in this for 6 months?”. The answer is yes, although I’ll be coming home for the holidays to see all my kids and grandkids. Gigi can’t go that long without my babies. I know that I will be quite comfortable in my condo on wheels, wherever it takes me.
I head out early tomorrow to Seattle for dance recitals and to celebrate Father’s Day with my dad and brother. The laundry room renovation is well underway with the lighting, flooring and paint done. Cabinets go in on Tuesday so I’ll be coming home early that morning. They also installed the 7 foot basalt column on the golf course behind the house while I was gone. Engraving will happen before the golf tournament in two weeks. All the pieces continue to fall into place and I’m exciting for the next two weeks.
I hope you are having a great weekend, thank you for your continued feedback on this blog. I’ll keep writing for myself but it is so good to hear that others are finding value for their lives. We are all in this together!