Holiday roller coaster
As I see so many 2025 year end reviews, I realize that I don’t want to recap 2025. It has been a year that has changed my life in so many ways and while it will play a significant role in my future, I don’t want to dwell on it. I am ready to move forward, facing into 2026 with a sense of optimism and hope. The last month has been brutal, I’m really ready to turn the page on the calendar. For everyone in my life who has navigated the holiday season while grieving or dealing with other challenges, I am so sorry that I didn’t appreciated how incredibly hard it is and most likely did not support you like I could have. This blog has been percolating in my mind for several weeks but I didn’t want to dampen the spirit with some real talk. I am sharing now, not to garner sympathy, but to raise awareness for how to support others and to give a voice to anyone who may be suffering in silence.
I have always loved the period of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the number of Christmas trees I put up is an indication of my passion for the season. I love the decorations, the cooking and baking, the celebrations and mostly the time with family and friends. I was completely unprepared for the havoc my grief would bring to the last month. Coming home from Arizona, my grief felt like a warm blanket that was comforting. The last month was a deep dive back into the dark, deep waters of my heaviest grief. I guess I could have anticipated it better, but it was a shock to feel like I had regressed in how my grief affected me. It has been another critical lesson that I do not control my grief and the more I try, the harder it is to handle. So this last month has been an exercise in riding the roller coaster of my emotions, giving myself and others all the grace and to take each minute, each day at a time, knowing that we will get through this. There have been amazing highs, where I will cherish those memories forever, and there have been white knuckle times, just holding on.
The highs…
Spending quality time with my four grandchildren has been priceless. I’ve been able to reconnect with them all and deepen my Gigi bond. The feeling of looking into those little eyes, feeling their little hands on me is the most powerful healing. We celebrated with Tyler and his family on Tuesday before Christmas because he worked on the 24th and 25th. I flew to Seattle on Christmas to spend the day with Lauren and her family. These weren’t our “normal” events, but they were so special. As the kids grow and they develop their own traditions at their own houses, I’ll be ready to fill whatever spaces work for them.
Maya admiring my Christmas tree dress.
Alex and I, the rumi hat was a big hit
Lunchtime at the park with Cole and Eva
I’ve been able to reconnect with so many friends. I hold a special place in my heart for my “nurses” who have driven me to and from my surgeries. That’s one wrinkle of living alone, I don’t have a built in driver. These lucky people get to see me drooling and crying post anesthesia and don’t hold it against me.
Last year I put up one tree but did not decorate it, just wanted something with some light in the house. I’ve come back strong this year, putting up all of my trees, moving some of them around and adding a new one for Obie. If you count the Charlie Brown tree (I usually don’t), I have 10 trees this year. In case you are wondering what kind of madness 10 trees looks like, here is the photo evidence. They all have a theme that matches the room. It is a big job to get them all up but it makes me happy to have them lighting up the house.
After a few months of being unemployed, I am now a paid consultant with my first contract getting settled this month. It’s been fun getting up to speed with a new company and meeting the team. I’m excited to work with them and offer my support. It’s only a few hours a week for now and may ramp up a bit in the new year, but nothing near full time. I am embracing this retirement mindset!
The lows…
This last month has been a series of firsts without Obie. I did not consciously schedule my return trip to put me on the road on Thanksgiving, but I now know it was my subconscious avoiding that day without him. Living alone has not really bothered me over the last year, but there were moments in this last month where his absence in the house was so acute. It is incredibly difficult to balance the strong desire to keep everything the same, while knowing that nothing will ever be the same again. So it’s a matter of creating new traditions that work for everyone and letting go of those that don’t.
At the same time experiencing the “firsts without Obie”, I’ve also been reliving the events that occured a year ago during his illness. Touching these memories now is releasing so much emotion that was buried. The seven weeks between his fall and his passing were so focused on doing everything I could to take care of him, I don’t think I dealt with all the emotions associated with those experiences. It was a traumatic time and my brain is finally in a place where I can unpack those events and the related emotions. The release hasn’t been easy, but most likely very necessary in my journey.
I didn’t do myself any favors in scheduling three elective surgeries this month. I had one great week of triathlon training before the first procedure which was a gum graft. I’ve had more gum grafts than I can count and it is a horrific experience, do not recommend! I had been delaying this but there were a few teeth that really needed it. The recovery for me is long and painful, but thankfully this is the last one I will ever do. I had two more procedures scheduled for the following week but couldn’t do one of them because I had taken advil after my gum surgery. That is now scheduled for next week. So compounding all of the emotional upheaval, I had a lot of time in relative physical pain to sit around and process. To make this mix even more interesting, I messed up in tracking my hormone replacement medications and those all ran out. I knew that those meds had a huge impact on my physical and mental state, I now know with great certainty how much so. I am excited to get back to being ready for training as I know that I will benefit both physically and mentally from the workouts.
If you have someone experiencing grief during the holidays, here are a few thoughts on how you can support them. I’m sure there are better resources online, these are based on my experience. First off, be there for them in ways that align with their needs. The key here is just to check in and ask. I know that having people around me all the time as I worked through this month would not have been helpful. I needed to be alone, but I had people checking in almost daily. I had enough touch points with all of my people to know that they were there for me if I needed them. The other recommendation I have is to keep traditions, especially if they are long held. If something needs to change, communicate to make sure the grieving person understands why. There have been a few things that were unexpected to me this season that left me wondering why that changed, was it because I was alone now? Just know that they may be in an emotional mindset and take things personally, when it isn’t intended. The key is compassionate communication, it will have such a positive impact even if you don’t realize it.
The next two months will be dominated by travel, I’ll spend a weekend in Arizona before heading to the east coast for a Boys & Girls Club meeting in Atlanta, flying to Virginia for an onsite visit with my consulting client and then home for a few days. I’ll then head to Kauai for two weeks where we’ll release some of Obie’s ashes into the ocean off of the southern coast on a sunset cruise. I’ll be joined by 20 of our closest friends and I know it will be an amazing time, Obie’s spirit will be with us in the places he loved so much. I will travel from the islands to Vietnam for 9 days for a friend’s daughter’s wedding. This trip will be the perfect way to experience the country as part of a group with most of the arrangements handled. I suspect this will ignite a desire to return and visit the surrounding countries in the future. I’ll return to Washington for a week and a half before starting my drive back to Arizona. I’ll arrive the last week of February and stay until some time in April.
Good thing I also love roller coasters, I will be focusing on the feeling of flying with the high points of the last month while embracing the challenges. I know that this period of time was really important for my grief journey and I will emerge stronger and healthier. 2025 was the year of the snake with the shedding of so many aspects of my life, I am ready for the fire horse of 2026 to move me forward. Thank you to everyone who has helped me navigate this past month, you are my angels! I will raise a toast to you all this New Year’s eve, albeit it much earlier than midnight. Tomorrow starts the process of undecorating the house which always feels a bit cathartic, the holiday decor will be replaced with lots of color for spring. I hope that you are also looking into 2026 with hope and optimism, together we can make anything happen!