Metamorphosis

I wrote the first version of this blog last weekend but when I went to publish it, all of the content disappeared. I’ve never had that happen before and as I sat there in shock, I realized that it wasn’t time for those messages. I know with complete certainty that today is the day for this blog, the planets are literally all aligned and this is the day to set your intentions for the future. I have a long list of other things that I could be doing, but I feel a strong pull to capture my thoughts.

As I reflect on the last 15 months, I now realize that my grief, while at times all consuming, was also a cocoon for me to transform within. It shielded me from many aspects of life while I focused on processing this loss. Over the last few months, I have felt that cocoon break away, piece by piece. It started in Kauai after the cruise, continued into the trip in Vietnam and was fully shed during my time in Arizona. I have often felt like a fragile butterfly emerging to stretch her wings, it has been both exhilarating and terrifying. Up until this point, my grief has been riding shotgun in my life, always there right next to me. Now it feels as though the grief is a supportive hand on my shoulder, helping propel me into my best future. Without that barrier of grief, everything feels more vibrant and alive. I had a close friend comment that I seemed more at ease than they have ever seen me before. Here are the people and experiences that have helped guide me to this place.

My time in Arizona over this winter was exactly what I needed to transition into retirement and define my future. I am so thankful for my Arizona family: Tim (my best friend Cindy’s husband), his sister Debbie and her husband Dave, their friends (and now mine) Melissa and Scott. They surrounded me with their love and support and showed me that having people close to you on a daily basis is a joy. As everyone left for home, it feels like summer camp breaking up and I am excited for next fall. We had so much fun and already have a list of things we want to do when we are back.

I read a quote recently:

Sit at the table of women who are the dreamers, the go-getters, the star gazers, the warriors,
and the ones who lift while they rise. The conversation hits different.

I am constantly in awe of the amazing women I have in my life. We hosted our annual girlfriend’s trip in Arizona last month and it was so great to spend time with those who could attend. They inspire and challenge me to be the best version of myself. I also had the opportunity to meet a new group of women when I attended the bridal shower for my friend, Anne, who was our makeup artist for both of the kid’s weddings. I knew within five minutes of conversation that these were women who I could learn, laugh and love with. I also had an isolated event where I was the recipient of contrary behavior. This isolated incident reinforced the type of people that I will pour my time and energy into going forward. I will not tolerate drama, people who center everything on themselves and perpetually play the victim. Life is too short and I’m not going to invest my time in people who detract instead of add to the collective energy.

The last experience that has significantly impacted the way I think about my future was an appointment with an amazing medium in Phoenix. I have worked with someone here last year in WA and she was so helpful in sharing insights as I was still fresh in my grief journey. The one hour that I spent with this new medium last month was so far beyond anything that I could have imagined. I understand a skeptical reaction to this, I was when I first went. I’ve had people comment “they can just look up that information online”. My appointment was directly following someone else and over the course of one hour, she shared insights from Obie, Cindy and my grandparents without looking at any notes or a screen. Most of which would not be online, Cindy was the only person who had any online social media presence. The depth and detail of what she shared were undeniably from my angels. But I’m not here to argue the merits of her capability because it is irrelevant whether you believe in this or not. The important part is that her insights helped unlock new perspectives for me and left me feeling so connected to these loves ones that I’ve lost. There were a few details from the session that I’ll share as they are relevant to my future intentions. There is so much more detail, I’m happy to share more directly if you are interested.

Consistent with my readings from last year, she said that she saw me writing a book in the future. She predicted the book is essentially the key points from this blog, a guide to navigating the key moments in the first year of grieving. She told me this was my year to travel, I have since booked a trip to go to the Kentucky Derby. The most shocking prediction was that I would have one more love of my life who would emerge over the next year. I about fell out of my chair with that one and she said that it’s up to me whether this happens or not, nothing is set in stone. This was not something that I had really thought about much but as time went on, I realize that while I am very self sufficient on my own, it can be lonely. So we will see what happens over the next year, she shared some additional details but I’m going to hold those close and see how things unfold. One thing is for sure, I’m not going to be out searching for this person. They will enter my orbit and I will have my eyes and heart open to the possibility. Side note: I know my girlfriends are jumping up and down as they read this paragraph, I know they are excited to vet any potential people in my life as they have high standards and expectations (as do I!)

With all of that lead up, here is my vision for my future. For most of this, I do not have a defined plan for how to make it happen and in many cases, these are things that will evolve.

• Personally: I will have a partner who will be the final love of my life. We will complement each other’s strengths and lift each other up in times of challenge. Our focus will be on supporting our families and friends while also positively impacting our community. Our life will be filled with love, laughter and adventure. We will have SO much fun!

• Professionally: I will continue to consult in the corporate world but will also build a personal coaching business that brings together my corporate and personal change experience. My goal would be to help people navigate times of change with intention and purpose, harnessing the power of change to meet their personal goals. I see at least one book in my future, perhaps more. I will also continue to volunteer for Boys & Girls Clubs of America, both at my local club and nationally. I feel strongly that the most effective way to improve our world is to help all kids reach their great future.

• Physically: I will continue to pursue endurance sports and see what I can do with this aging body. Until this point, I have thought that I’d live in my current house for the rest of my life. That has changed and I have a vision for my future house which will be the center of activity for my family. I grew up with pools in my family and have always wanted one, so I’m going to make that happen. There was a house that I would ride by in Arizona that is my inspiration for this future house.

• Spiritually: I will continue to learn how to connect with those I have loved and lost and honor their legacies through the way that I live my life. I feel a deeper connection to them and want to continue to expand that.

My dream house with a big pool house/casita for guests, a sport court and a gorgeous pool where all of my family and friends can come together.

I have been so incredibly blessed to live the life that I have, with all of the ups and downs. I know with complete certainty that the best parts of my life are still to come. It won’t always be perfect, but I will be surrounded by the people I love and we will navigate together.

So there you have it, it feels both scary and exciting to share this publicly. I’d love to hear your thoughts, anything surprising? Anything you think I’ve missed? As I mentioned at the start, April 17th is a powerful day astrologically and cosmically. I encourage you to think about your intentions, even if it is just to state them to yourself.

Thank you all for being with me on this journey, it will be so interesting to see how this all plays out!