Looking back before focusing forward
This morning I’ve felt restless and out of sorts, just off my normal morning vibe. I’ve had blog posts forming in my mind for the last two months but could never get them to the point of putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard more accurately. I guess this could be my first bout of writer’s block? As I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me this morning, a small voice in my head said “you need to write”. As I sit here starting to write, I feel a tightness inside me starting to loosen. A good reminder that the act of writing this blog is an important part of my journey.
The last month has brought tremendous swings in emotion, amazing highs and challenging lows, but for the first time in 14 months, they are not centered on my grief. In some ways, it feels like a fog has lifted and the clarity of life is startling and unsettling. I have a clearer vision for what I want my future to be than I ever have in my life and I’m excited to share. But before I do, I have some catching up to do. For as bright as the future is, the last two months have been filled with amazing experiences that I want to capture.
Obie and I loved travelling to Kauai and I knew that he would want his ashes to be spread off the southern coast, where he would sit on the patio and watch the waves. The charter cruise to spread his ashes was the first thing I scheduled after his death, it was a year in the making and turned out to be so much more than I could have imaged. I was joined by 20 of our closest friends and we kicked off the festivities with a happy hour at his favorite bar on the Island, Kalipaki Joe’s. Their happy hours are very busy and I was worried about getting tables to accomodate our large group but was pleasantly surprised that we got two prime tables which worked perfectly. It was the first of many signs that Obie was with us and his hand was shaping our experiences. We had a great time catching up and raising a glass to Obie.
The next day was cloudy and windy and we were a bit concerned about the sea conditions for the cruise. We all met at the cruise office in Port Allen where they greeted us with such warmth and kindness. We walked down to the boat with our crew and got underway. We had a crew of 4 for the 20 of us, we were very well taken care of with delicious food and drinks. We took a slow cruise along the shoreline and were treated to more whales and dolphins than we could count. I had connected my phone to the boat’s speakers and queued up Obie’s celebration of life playlist. I had asked the captain to pick a place that spoke to him where we could drop Obie’s ashes. I had ordered a special urn that is used to spread ashes in the water, it was a cellulose buoy that you place the ashes into and when placed in the water, the bottom dissolves and the ashes drop into the water.
The bamboo container for the urn, special thanks to Suzanne and Tom for carrying this back to the states for me!
We were all able to sign the urn and then the captain alerted me that we were surrounded by a dolphin mommy and her baby and he felt it was a good spot. The playlist had been a random shuffle but at that point, the Hawaiian version of “Over the rainbow” came on. Obie was clearly manning the playlist. The captain stopped the boat and he helped me descend the stairs of the catamaran to the water, where I placed his urn. Everyone threw flowers into the water with the urn and we had a few moments of silence as we watched the turn float away. As we turned to get back underway, the next song, “10th Avenue Freeze Out” came blasting out of the speakers. This was one of Obie’s favorite songs and a clear sign that he wanted us to get back to the party.
The captain helping me stay on the boat as I placed the urn with Obie’s ashes into the ocean.
As we started back to the port, four dolphins jumped out of the water right off of the starboard side of the boat, followed directly by two huge humpbacks. It looked like the dolphins were riding the bow wave that the whales create. They were so close to the boat that everyone yelled and grabbed for their phones. My friend’s husband exclaimed “the whales are trying to eat the dolphins” which had us all laughing. It was a magical experience and I know we all walked off that boat touched by Obie.
I am so thankful to have this amazing group of friends!
The next day we played a round of golf at Obie’s favorite course, Kiahuna Golf Club. We had two groups, 4 ladies and 4 men, and had a great time. The rest of the vacation was spent seeing the sights around the island and spending time with dear friends. We all left the island with full hearts!
For the record, the ladies ended up only two shots behind the guys.
I left Kauai and flew to Vietnam to attend the wedding of a friend’s daughter. They had been married in Seattle last fall and this was their traditional Vietnamese wedding in the groom’s family village. It was a life changing trip and deserves it’s own blog post. I promise not to wait another two months to write it!
I hope you can also feel Obie’s presence in reading about our time in Kauai, he continues to bless us all with his love and light. Thanks for hanging in there with me while I continue to navigate the ups and downs of my journey!